"Text"

People who have trouble conjugating to text.

It really is not that difficult.

Here is a simple guide:

inf: to text

imp: text

1st person present: "I text" (present continuous: "I am texting" present perfect: "I have texted")

1st person preterite: "I texted" (past continuous: "I was texting" past perfect: "I had texted")

1st person future: "I will text" (future continuous: "I will be texting" future perfect: "I will have texted).

And so on and so forth. Will you please refrain from using "text" for each tense (i.e. "She text me last night like omg...")?!

Real Women

The woman who backed right into my new vehicle.

You just backed directly into my parked car!

So I would remove the "real women drive trucks" bumper sticker

from the back of your massive Dodge ram.

At least until you can, in fact, drive a truck.

Astronomy Expert

The kid in the middle of the quad with a massive telescope.

Look, I like stargazing as much as the next person,

but did you really need to bring a 10' x 10' telescope to college with you?

Where do you keep the thing?

And what are you looking for out there?

Points Value

The girl walking to class shouting on her cellphone about the points value of
EVERY item she ate today.
Look, whatever you need to do to be healthy is fine,
but you are in public.
Just because we can't hear the other side of the conversation does not mean we can't hear you.
You're not about to replace Valerie Bertinelli or Kirstie Alley,
so the rest us really don't need to hear the minute details of your dietary selections.

let it rain..

The girl walking in front of me who turned to her friend and said

"I just got this sweatshirt and now it's fucking raining-oh my god, it's going to get wet. Make it stop!"

Yes, the rain will baptize your new sweatshirt-but don't worry, it's not the end of the world.

You can always wash it.

Song Lyrics

From "Imma Be, Imma Be"

to "Good Girls Go Bad"

Is this a post-modernist form of musical expression

or is poor grammar now a prerequisite for lyricists?

Either way, please stop.

Just Peachy

Peaches Geldoff,

Next time you're in a foreign country,

missing home,

try calling a friend.

There are viable cures for homesickness.

Screwing someone with the name of a London tourist attraction

tattooed on his.... anatomy,

is not one of them.