"Text"

People who have trouble conjugating to text.

It really is not that difficult.

Here is a simple guide:

inf: to text

imp: text

1st person present: "I text" (present continuous: "I am texting" present perfect: "I have texted")

1st person preterite: "I texted" (past continuous: "I was texting" past perfect: "I had texted")

1st person future: "I will text" (future continuous: "I will be texting" future perfect: "I will have texted).

And so on and so forth. Will you please refrain from using "text" for each tense (i.e. "She text me last night like omg...")?!

Real Women

The woman who backed right into my new vehicle.

You just backed directly into my parked car!

So I would remove the "real women drive trucks" bumper sticker

from the back of your massive Dodge ram.

At least until you can, in fact, drive a truck.

Astronomy Expert

The kid in the middle of the quad with a massive telescope.

Look, I like stargazing as much as the next person,

but did you really need to bring a 10' x 10' telescope to college with you?

Where do you keep the thing?

And what are you looking for out there?

Points Value

The girl walking to class shouting on her cellphone about the points value of
EVERY item she ate today.
Look, whatever you need to do to be healthy is fine,
but you are in public.
Just because we can't hear the other side of the conversation does not mean we can't hear you.
You're not about to replace Valerie Bertinelli or Kirstie Alley,
so the rest us really don't need to hear the minute details of your dietary selections.

let it rain..

The girl walking in front of me who turned to her friend and said

"I just got this sweatshirt and now it's fucking raining-oh my god, it's going to get wet. Make it stop!"

Yes, the rain will baptize your new sweatshirt-but don't worry, it's not the end of the world.

You can always wash it.

Song Lyrics

From "Imma Be, Imma Be"

to "Good Girls Go Bad"

Is this a post-modernist form of musical expression

or is poor grammar now a prerequisite for lyricists?

Either way, please stop.

Just Peachy

Peaches Geldoff,

Next time you're in a foreign country,

missing home,

try calling a friend.

There are viable cures for homesickness.

Screwing someone with the name of a London tourist attraction

tattooed on his.... anatomy,

is not one of them.

mothers day

The mother at the park wearing a

"We Pre-Game Harder Than You Party"

t-shirt

Oh yeah? do you?

Would you like an award?

Oh, looks like you already have one,

a child.

indignant guardians

People who get bent out of shape when public figures utter expletives

on live television because they don't want their children exposed to

inappropriate language.

First of all-relax.

Second of all-if you really want to protect and nurture your kids

try books.

espresso vigilante

The dining hall employee

that never fails to ask if I'm hiding an extra shot of "Expresso" in my iced coffee.

If you're going to be so vigilant about charging

for every ounce of the sweet caffeinated nectar,

at least learn the correct pronunciation.

It's esp not exp.

If you do it again, I'm going to lie.

Yo. I Love you.

"I just wanna give a shout out to my baby-mama Dana,

I love you girl."

-male caller on a Syracuse radio show.

Nice,

because nothing will ever say

I love and respect you

like that classy public reiteration of how

you knocked a girl up.

Oh my God.

Women, children, adults, men, anyone that says O-M-G.
just stop that.

cautious coffee consumer

The kid next to me who put six creamers in his coffee.
I'm not begrudging your cholesterol intake
who doesn't want hard arteries?
but, if after your sixth creamer you can't manage to pull the top off without spraying cream in every direction,
you deserve your coffee black.

Bangs

The kid who brushes his really hip and lusciously thick bangs over his eyes.

I don't know if you are protesting clear vision or foreheads

and frankly I don't care.

But next time you come barreling towards me in blind haste,

I am NOT moving out of the way.

P.S You deserve to trip and fall.

I love New York

Paterson,

If you're going to join the ranks of people the Yankees have bribed with money and gifts,

don't flaunt it by sitting behind home plate at the World Series.

Discretion, baby.

Also, don't do anything else you've done either.

Celebrity Stylist

The boutique salesgirl who loves name-dropping the celebrities seen sporting the same wares her establishment hawks.

Listen, that isn't going to convince me to buy the $300 t-shirt.

You're talking about stars who make millions.

I am a broke college student.

What about this seems like an effective marketing strategy to you?

lost and found

Sister, I know you can't find your keys, I know you're running late and I know how frustrating that probably is.

But, I can assure you with 100 percent certainty that your keys are not in the fridge, the cabinets or the garbage can, nor am I sitting on them.

Check your desk?

Pharmie Love

"My new boyfriend’s on Lexapro for obsessive-compulsive disorder, I’m on Abilify for bipolar disorder, and we’re both stable, anxiety-free, and in love." -Woman seeking advice from tabloid.

Really?! You're both on heavy meds.

You're writing a tabloid for advice about your disappointing sex life.

How stable, happy and in love can you be?!

second string slapper

Girls who slap out of jealousy.

Unless you're trying to impress Mike Tyson,

displays of uncontrolled violence

are not going to make whoever scorned you reconsider their decision.

If you're doing it as an expression of your feminine might.

Think again.

obaminspiration

Anyone who finds inspiration to work out in Michelle Obama, or her arms.

She has a personal chef and a personal trainer.

What is inspirational?

Why not go to your local gym and find inspiration?

#1 fan

The kid at the party that made everyone stop talking so he could put on his favorite song

his choice:

Britney Spears: ( You drive me) Crazy

gym fashionista

The girl at the gym wearing converse, knee socks and vintage track shorts.

Are you here to work out or do you think you're in an American Apparel Ad?

Buy real sneakers.

Nickleback Lover

The kid in my history class who addresses me as sweetheart.

I am a sweetheart, but not yours.

Is your patronizing attitude overcompensating for the fact that you are 5 feet 3 inches tall

or the Nickelback I just heard blasting out of your ipod?

vegetarians

Vegetarians conflicted over whether artificially grown "meat" is ethically sound.

It is grown in a lab.

It comes from cell extracted from live animals

then placed in a broth of other animal parts where the cells multiply.

This creates something that tastes like"soggy pork."

That is disgusting, why are you even considering trying this?!

supergirl

The girl who thought she was strong enough to push open the closed bus doors and got trapped between them.

Who am I kidding. That was me.

jokers

The two repairmen sitting behind me on the bus exchanging jokes about deaf people in hushed tones.

What are you worried about? Them hearing you?

james cameron

The kid sitting next to me in the computer lab editing his video clip at the highest volume.

There are ten other students in here. Get head phones.

No one wants to hear the fat woman you interviewed say

"and I 'axed' him why" over and over and over again.

campus security

Campus security who decided to congratulate students that lock their doors by hanging vibrant orange signs from the knobs that read

"great job locking your door, remember it only takes 8 seconds to be burglarized!"

Well great job to you too campus security,

you just cut the time in half by identifying which apartments are and aren't locked

drop top

The kid who parked his convertible outside the campus center with the top down today.

It is 36 degrees out in Syracuse,

you don't need to be obnoxious just because it is above freezing.

Oh and by the way,

I AM the one who left a snowball on your front seat.

drama major

The gifted thespian in my Russian Lit class.

It is not necessary to shout, gesticulate, and use accents while reading passages aloud.

This is a classroom, not a stage. We all know you're an "actor," you have mentioned it in EVERY SINGLE CLASS.

little drummer boy

My (other) neighbor who decided to invest in a drum kit.

You have been playing the same beat for the past two semesters and practice has NOT made perfect. I know you may think chicks dig musicians, but you sound like a toddler surrounded by pots and pans-wielding a wooden spoon.

coffee slurper

The girl drinking hot coffee through a straw.

I know you're trying to save your pearly whites-but guess what?

It won't make a difference.

what are you, a six year old?

Maybe you'd prefer a juice box?

Campbell

Anyone who has ever met Naomi Campbell and not tried to piss her off.

The chance of her liking you and making you her life long friend is indescribably low.

The chance of her punching you, and paying a large sum of money for it- pretty high

headbands

Girls with ridiculously large headbands.

Hey sweetheart, the hydrangea you have protruding from your forehead is not going to attract anything but pollinators.

phone

The kid next to me searching frantically for his cellphone. It is in your back pocket, stop moving around couches and sighing dramatically.

I would tell you but then you would think I was staring at your ass.

I wasn't.

relationship

The girl in front of me who just said:

"..and I told him "I took you back once , so you have to take me back at least once, that's how it works"

No, I don't think that's how it works. You're young. Get over it.

doritos eater

The girl sitting next to me on the bus who is siphoning dorito crumbs into her gaping mouth.

The bus will lurch, moron.

The crumbs will spill all over your face, in your nose and on your shirt.

Please stop, if you can't, can you at least refrain from licking your disgustingly orange fingers?

bachelor

"Jake even told me we had such an incredible connection. When he kissed me he felt like he was riding on a treadmill."

-Tenley Molzhan (bachelor loser)

That's a connection?

coexist

People who have this on their cars, shirts, businesses, children, etc.

You are stupid.

bus driver

The south campus bus driver who abuses his microphone privileges by saying things like

"alright kids it's time to do the wiggle and the giggle"

economics

The kid in my economics lecture who sits in the front row and insists on interrupting every ten minutes to provide personal anecdotes that relate to class material.

Great Charlie, I'm glad you like the class so much.

Maybe the rest of us would too if you didn't exist.

apartment 3

My neighbor who is unnaturally loud in bed. What's more surprising than your many partners is the fact that not one of them has told you to shut up.

ice cream

The cashier at the grocery store who asked if I needed a spoon for my tub of ice cream-really?

Do you think I look that hungry?

abbreviators

people who say obvi, jel, legit- the words are obvious, jealous and legitimate-

you're even more stupid if you say 'so' before.

For Example:

"That is so legit"

"I am so jel"